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When I work with clients going through anticipatory grief – a parent nearing the end, or an imminent loss that has been weighing heavily – at some point, I might say something that, I hope, brings back the focus to an important person or thing that still exists in the client’s life: 

“Often, after the death of a loved one, we say, ‘If only I had one more day to say what I wanted to say or relive fond memories together. Today is your one more day – how would you like to use it?”

This moment focuses the client and me on the heart of grief – the absence of presence. We realise a potential (and common) regret that we were not more attentive when it mattered, or that we rushed through what should have been savoured. We also realise that we have spent much of our time getting through life, not living it. 

That is what The Tyranny of Speed is about. It looks at the way we live and asks what this pace of modern living is costing us, because it does. 

Work Culture Outpaces Body and Mind

Take work, for example. A World Health Organisation (WHO) and International Labour Organisation (ILO) study found that health-related issues due to overwork now kill more than 745,000 people a year.¹ That is more than malaria, which is considered a major global public health concern! For us living in Southeast Asia, we are especially vulnerable. 

In 2022, Kuala Lumpur ranked among the worst among major cities for work-life balance.² Long hours, slow commutes, limited leave, and a lack of flexibility all contribute to a culture of exhaustion. Even those who are health-conscious, active, and self-aware can find themselves in the hospital, blindsided by stress-related conditions they did not see coming. The culture moves faster than body and mind can manage.

This is not just about personal burnout. It is systemic and economic, too. Frank Pega, the lead researcher in the WHO study, pointed out that after financial downturns, people who remain employed often end up working more – not less – as the workload consolidates. All the while, hustle culture glorifies traits that diminish our health: sleeping less, working harder, and optimising everything. It treats burnout as a badge of honour, and we are expected to push through significant mental and physical distress. 

Yet, it is okay to not be okay… as long as you can keep going without a fuss. 

The same urgency seeps into our relationships. The Gottman Institute – which researches what makes or breaks relationships – found that long-term couples who stay together are those who consistently “turn towards” each other’s bids for connection.³ The research also found that couples who remained married after six years turned towards each other 86% of the time, while divorced couples did so only 33%. Those bids get missed when we are too busy. We multitask through dinner, we move quickly to find solutions rather than talk, and over time, we strip away the fabric that held the relationship together.

Returning to What Matters

Then, there is how we speak to ourselves. Dr Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion – not self-esteem – is what sustains motivation, health, and emotional resilience.⁴ However, we tell ourselves we do not have the time for it, while self-compassion is framed as an indulgence. The prevailing – yet misguided – logic is that if we are not pushing ourselves, we are slacking off. 

Nonetheless, the evidence says the opposite: people who practise self-compassion recover faster, take better care of their bodies, and perform better in the long run. We actually become more productive and perform better when we are self-compassionate. Understandably, it is hard to convince ourselves of that when the culture around us keeps shouting to “do more” and “keep pushing”. With that said, the biggest room for improvement is the room for improvement precisely because it can never be filled. 

That is one of the reasons The Tyranny of Speed does not just focus on the individual. It offers personal strategies – ways to slow down, to be present, and pay more attention – but it also looks at the systems that shape us. Frustratingly, mental health messaging so often puts the onus on individuals. Breathe more, think positively, build resilience! If you are working in a toxic environment or living under constant pressure, no amount of “box breathing” or mindfulness workshops will fix it. As the mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn said, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”. 

That might be true, but nobody learns to surf in a storm.

Systems need to change, including workplaces and educational institutions, and how we perceive effective leadership. In Malaysia, the AIA Vitality 2019 survey found that organisations lost an average of 73.3 working days per employee per year due to absence and presenteeism, with the cost of health-related productivity loss estimated at RM1.46 million per organisation per month.⁵ On top of that, employee engagement declined, with 16% reporting low or very low engagement. Ignoring well-being is not just inhumane – it is economically inefficient. Investing in the people’s capacity to live and work meaningfully pays off for all concerned. Do leaders have the will to make it happen?

Tempus fugit (Time Flies)

If we need a reminder of what is at stake, Bronnie Ware’s writing offers it. She worked as a palliative nurse, caring for people in their final weeks, and recorded the most common regrets of the dying. One of the most frequent – especially among men – was this: “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”⁶ Others included wishing they had stayed in touch with friends, had the courage to express their feelings, or simply allowed themselves to be happier. They were not lamenting a lack of productivity – they were mourning all the things they had rushed past.

I remember the first time I stayed at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery in the UK. The schedule was slow and the setting peaceful – but it took me days to realise I did not need to rush around. The mind does not unhook itself easily. Even in silence, it keeps running. We are so conditioned to be moving, striving, improving, and growing that even resting feels like a means to a productive end.

The Tyranny of Speed does not encourage a retreat from life, but a return to it. It asks you to reevaluate the pace you have accepted as the standard, and gives you a chance to ask better questions. 

What are you missing out on as you rush through life? 

What will you regret when your time nears its end? 

Today is your “one more day”.

Cover image credit: Pixabay (Pexels)

References

1. Ro, C. (2021, May 19). How overwork is literally killing us. BBC. .  
2. The Star. (2022, June 19). Kuala Lumpur among world’s most overworked cities, Oslo has best work-life balance. .  
3. Brittle, Z. (2015, April 1). Turn towards instead of away. Gottman.
4. Robson, D. (2021, January 13). Why self compassion – not self-esteem – leads to success. BBC.
5. AIA. (2019, November 15). Malaysian workforce: Sleepless and overworked? [Press release].
6. Steiner, S. (2012, February 1). Top five regrets of the dying. The Guardian. .